


20 Letters

by martsukkah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Letters, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide, Suicide Notes, ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-04 09:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 6,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3062924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martsukkah/pseuds/martsukkah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi likes to write letters to Eren. He writes those every day. </p><p>There is just one problem. </p><p>Eren is dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So as I'm having a writer's block on my other fanfic I decided to do smaller project here uvu

Dear Eren

I miss you. I miss you a lot. I don't know what I'm even doing. I guess I'm just writing to you. Hoping that you'll come back. Maybe you'll come back. Maybe those scars will fade and I'll find you next to me when I wake up tomorrow.  I can only hope. Answer to this one simple question. If I hope hard enough, will you come back to me?

Can I talk to you about it?

About the day you left? 

Erwin refuses to talk to me. He's broken too. Mikasa hasn't left her house. Armin is still in shock and I just need someone to talk to about that day. 

I woke up that morning, like I usually did. Something was wrong though. I knew it from the moment when I felt the emptiness of your side of the bed. Sheets were cold and suddenly I felt cold without your arms around me. I got up, thinking that you were in shower or that I had just forgot that you were at work. 

I walked to the kitchen and checked the calender. You didn't have work that day and there wasn't any notes like 'Remember to smile, shortie!' or 'I'm grocery shopping, see you soon!'. Kitchen was empty and I remember how I shivered. I felt so lonely. I was scared. I felt.. unsafe without you. I remembered your mental illness and I froze. I dropped my coffee cup and I began to shake. I was alone. 

I remember running to your private room where you never let me go in. You weren't there. I saw that there was a stopped video. I didn't dare to watch it. 

I ran to the bathroom and I screamed. I screamed my lungs out. You were laying on the floor, blade in your bloody hand. Your hand was basically laying on a blood puddle. Soon I was next to you, sobbing and shakily looking for pulse that I never found. I tried to calm down. I really tried when I called to Erwin and whispered those damn words 'Eren committed suicide'. I sat beside you and watched how doctors took you away. There was police too but I didn't even look at him. 

Soon enough I was alone. Erwin had gone away to tell Mikasa and Armin. I was alone. 

I didn't have you. 

I couldn't even cry anymore. I couldn't do anything. I was in shock and nothing felt right. My heart was burning and aching and I wanted to rip it out of my chest. 

But I couldn't move. I kept staring at the place where you had been laying. 

Finally after hours I managed to move and clean the floor. I threw your blade to the trash and went to our bedroom that looked too big now. I grabbed your hoodie and pulled it on and I felt safe. It felt like you were still here. 

Of course, you weren't. 

That's how I've spent last few days. I haven't watched that video because now I know what it is. It's your last words and I don't wanna hear them. I can't hear them. I'm not strong enough. 

I'm not strong enough to do anything anymore. I'm alone. 

Come here and hold me. I can't do this alone. 

Nothing is same without you. 

With love, 

     Levi Ackerman

 


	2. Chapter 2

_**  
**_

Dear Eren,

Today I had to talk to your mom. I wish you would have seen her face. Actually, I wish you would see me and this mess. I don't think I've even eaten anything in three days.

Anyways, your mom cried. I have never seen her cry like this. She told me stuff about you even though I already knew everything. She told me how much she loves you and how she misses you.

She also told me how she blames me.

She said that this is all my fault and I should go after you. She told me that I'm burden and there was no one else to blame. 

I don't even wonder why. We have been dating for two years. We live together. Then boom! Suddenly you commit suicide. It starts to feel like it was my fault, you know.

It seems like everyone here blames me.

Erwin has been here and he's doing better, I think. He makes food to me but I don't remember eating it. Hell, I don't remember anything I've done.

I think I should stop writing these letters to you. Erwin says that I'm crazy. He keeps saying that you'll never answer and that you're dead. That you're gone.

You're not really gone, right?

You'll be next to me tomorrow when I wake up, right?

...right?

I feel empty right now. I didn't really have anything special in my life. Except you. But then you left me in silence. 

What am I gonna do now? Keep going? How can I ever keep going without you? I love you, Eren Jaeger and this isn't what I wanted.

Why couldn't you stay? Why couldn't you understand how much I love you? Please just tell me why. 

Oh and Armin visited me too. He basically forced me to cuddle with him and watch your favorite movies. He really misses you. He cried a lot. And when I say a lot, I really mean it. He was so broken and he seemed empty, his eyes filled with sadness. He had dirty hair and same clothes as he had three days ago. He looked horrible. He tried to act normal but I saw that he knew it too. Nothing was the same anymore. 

Erwin has been sleeping on the couch but he left today. He had to go back to work which I haven't done yet.

I can barely get out of bed. 

I can't go to work. 

I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to work. I still have pictures of us on my desk there and I can't go. I refuse to go. I hope I get fired and they throw my stuff away. 

Truth is, I can't live without you. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do without you by my side. 

Please come back. 

 

With undying love, 

    Levi Ackerman


	3. Chapter 3

 

Today I left the house for the first time since you left. Erwin made me go to get coffee with him.

Surprisingly many people knew about your suicide and they said sorry to me. I never said anything to anyone. They seemed offended but Erwin talked to them. People tried to hug me but I refused to even stand near to them.

It was good to breath fresh air after a long time but it wasn't the same. You didn't breath the same air anymore so it didn't really matter. Anyways, today when I woke up, I swear I felt your arm around me. I felt you kissing my head. I swear I felt those things. I swear I felt you. 

I wish you'd come back. Please just come back Eren. I need you here. I feel so unsafe without you. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I should do. I can't stand Erwin's company without you. Why couldn't you just understand that you hurt us all so much? Why did you have to be so selfish? Why couldn't you talk to me?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I say something wrong?

Was there someone who hurt you?

What happened?

Come here and explain. Please explain. 

I don't understand any of this. I'm still confused and I'm so alone. I need you so fucking much, shitty brat. 

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	4. Chapter 4

 

Hey, Eren.

It’s been few days since the last letter. I haven’t felt like writing even though I should have. I’m sorry… It’s been really lonely. Erwin hasn’t visited because he‘s really busy with work. Armin is at work and Mikasa blames me. I went to shop yesterday and I felt people staring at me judgingly. They all blamed me.

I don’t feel very guilty anymore. You love me and everything was okay when you were here, right? It wasn’t my fault. It definitely wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t be the cause of my lover’s death. I am sure that I’m not the reason.

Right now I’m writing this in the kitchen. I hope you don’t mind the fact that I’m using your papers and your favorite pen. I also might be wearing your favorite sweater and your brown beanie. I won’t admit it though; you might get mad at me for using your stuff.

I also threw away the cat food that you always gave to neighbor’s cat. It had gotten old so I decided to buy new one. The cat was confused when it didn’t get food from you, but I’m glad that it ate it all. It eats so much at our place that I’m beginning to wonder if Petra feeds it at all.

Oh and Petra wanted to come to the funeral and I invited her. I know that you’re not her biggest fan because I used to date her, but listen, she only wanted the best for you. She’s an angel and she misses you too. It was sad to meet her today. She hadn’t heard about… That thing. She came here and asked if you were home. I began to cry in front of her, Eren. I cried my eyes out. It was awful, I had to tell her that you weren’t here. I told her everything and nothing at all.

Everything about you leaving and nothing about me knowing that you’ll come back to me, because you couldn’t just leave me without saying goodbye, right?

You could never hurt me like that. I’m the most important person to you and you once said that I’m the only one that matters. You said that you love me and that you want to marry me someday. You never proposed me but I knew that you were going to. Of course… I knew that you love me to death. I was waiting and I still am.

I talked to Erwin on the phone and I mentioned about the movie that you wanted to watch when it comes to the cinema. I mentioned that we are going to watch it. He told me that you’re gone. You’re dead and you’re never coming back. I didn’t believe him. I refused to talk to him for an hour before I broke down and called him again.

I’m sure that he thinks that I’m crazy now, but I’m not. I’m completely mentally stable. Everything was okay. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Every day I stand in front of my mirror and I say ‘I’m okay’ so many times that I actually believe it. It always takes a while but I think it’s working a little bit. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

Oh and should I turn off your computer? I haven’t gone to your room since the day… Bad thing happened. I haven’t really thought about that room. I haven’t thought about the video. What is that video? Should I watch it? Is it something important?

Maybe I’ll watch it tomorrow. Right now I’m too tired and weak to get up from this damn chair. I kinda feel unreal. Like I wouldn’t actually be here. I think I should stop writing now before someth


	5. Chapter 5

 

Hello love

I’m sorry for not finishing the last letter, I heard that my doctor had sent it already so I didn‘t have a chance to finish it. So I heard that I passed out. Doctor said that it was because I hadn’t been eating in a while. Maybe that is true but I don’t really feel like eating. I don’t know how to make food and nothing tastes the way that you’re cooking does. You’re amazing at making food and I would kill to taste your food again.

At the moment, I’m in hospital. They didn’t let me go yet but they said that if I’m a good boy, they’ll let me out tomorrow. I can hardly wait. Maybe you’re waiting me when I get home. Do you think that I should buy flowers on the way home? Maybe not, I don’t have a lot of money at the moment. Plus, Erwin will probably take me home and force me to eat shit. I wouldn’t be surprised.

Erwin is really pissed right now. He’s sitting next to me and he keeps glaring at me. He’s mad because he thinks that I haven’t been taking care of myself. That’s not exactly true. I’ve been showering and using toilet. I’ve also been sleeping more than usually. Now I sleep pretty much most of the day. I just sometimes go from bed to couch and from couch to floor and so on.

Ugh, now Erwin is telling me to stop writing. I won’t stop though. I can’t stop in the middle of the letter. That would be rude, right? And I don’t wanna be rude to my lover, to you.

I told him to fuck off. I told him to go to hell but he’s still sitting next to me and he doesn’t seem to care about what I say.

I don’t think that anyone cares. There’s so many things that I want to say but no one listens to me. Armin doesn’t talk to me and Mikasa hates me. Your mom blames me and Erwin thinks that I’m crazy.

I feel really lonely. Really, really lonely. No one cares about me here. Everyone just pretends to like me because you’re not here. They’re trying to make me feel better but it’s not working. They don’t feel good either so why would I be happy?

I could be happy though. I could be happy if you would be here. If you would be holding me like you used to. I want you to be here and play with my hair; we both know that it helps me to calm down. When we fight, you hug me and play with my hair because you know that I won’t be mad at you after that.

Right now I wanna go home… I miss our home. I know I only got here yesterday but I wanna lay on our bed. I should probably change the sheets, I haven’t done it yet because they still smell like you.

Those are probably the only ones that still smells like you

Everything is kinda weird at home. It’s empty. Rooms doesn’t look right. Erwin asked me to live at his place for while but I don’t think I should do that. What if you come back while I’m there? That would be disaster. I need to be at home to tell you that you’re loved and you’re my everything.

Now you just need to come back.

 

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	6. Chapter 6

_**  
**_

Every day is a nightmare. I’m always alone in our room and I’m not sure how long I can take this. This is all too much.

I need you. I need us to be together.

But there’s no us without you.

Erwin is pain in the ass. He doesn’t even try to understand me anymore. He thinks that I’m crazy and he got me an appointment to psychologist. I have to go there tomorrow and talk about this and blah, blah, blah. Sounds really boring.

Besides, I don’t really want to talk about you with anyone, especially with a stranger. I need someone I know. Someone who doesn’t blame me or think that I’m crazy. And that means that I have no one.

Everyone blames me.

Even your mom. She used to love me and think that I’m perfect to you. Now she hates me and thinks that I’m Satan.

It would be nice to talk to Armin but we aren’t very close and I’m pretty sure that he hates me too. He has never been my best friend and Mikasa has probably lied about me to him. Telling him that I’m crazy and that you committed suicide because of me. I refuse to believe that’s true though. I did nothing wrong to you. I always took care of you.

Oh, if you just would have woken me up… You would still be here with me…

I came home from hospital yesterday. That fucking asshole called Erwin Smith had cleaned our apartment and I lost the smell of you. It sucks really bad. It was the only thing that still reminded me of you in this place that I can’t call home anymore. I just can’t.

This isn’t my home anymore. My home is where you are. I’m not even sure if I’m actually alive anymore. I don’t feel any good feelings anymore and I don’t know if my heart still beats anymore. It probably doesn’t.

My heart died with you.

  With undying love,

         Levi Ackerman


	7. Chapter 7

_**  
**_

Today I went to see that psychologist. She kept asking me questions about you and our relationship. She kept asking me questions about how I’m moving on in my life. I’m not moving on.

How can I move on? You are the love of my life. There’s no one else like you. There’s no one else who could make me feel like you do. You’re perfect to me and I don’t want anyone else. I don’t understand how she could just tell me that I should find someone else. That I should go to clubs and dance and party and meet new people.

Why should I do those things? Why did those things matter? You’re the only thing that matters. I don’t give a fuck about clubs and bars or new people. I told to the bitch that I still keep writing these letters to you. I told her that I need to remember you somehow and this is my way to keep you in my heart.

Anyways, she told me to stop. She said that this isn’t good for me and this is just making everything worse to me. I don’t even understand what she meant by that. I’m just fine. I’m fine even though you never answer. I’m fine because you know that I love you and I’ll never forget you.

I also found out something very interesting today. Erwin has feelings for me. He loves me and I’m pretty sure that’s love between lovers. Armin told me about it. He had had few beers and he was pretty drunk and he told me about Erwin’s feelings. Now I don’t know how I should react to this.

Would it be fine to like kiss Erwin? Do you think that it would be wrong? I mean, you won’t come back… You will never kiss me anymore and I miss human contact... I miss kissing and having sex.

Would you let me kiss him?

I think I wanna kiss him. Don’t get me wrong, I love you a lot and you’re my everything, I just miss being close to someone. It’s completely normal. If you would be in my shoes, I’m sure that you would do exactly the same. You would try to find human contact. I need to hug someone and cuddle with someone and hold hands with someone. I really need to.

Please don’t be mad at me.

 

   With undying love,

       Levi Ackerman


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the nice feedback I've been getting here and on Tumblr ;u; You're all too nice ahhh  
> Yeah you can send me messages on Tumblr too uvu anachronismfiction.tumblr.com

 

 

I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I went to beautiful restaurant and after that I went to the movies with Erwin tonight. It was really romantic and I enjoyed about our date a lot. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t feel like this.

I shouldn’t feel happy.

I’m not Erwin’s. I’m yours and I shouldn’t have gone out with him. I liked it too much. I feel like I had done sin… I feel ashamed to say this but I tried to sleep with him, I tried to get him to stay the night and have nice sex… He said no though. He told me that maybe I’m not ready for new relationship. He told me that he didn’t think that I was actually into it. He thought that I was just seeking for attention and seeking for comforting.

And he was right.

Currently he is in my bedroom (I’m in bathroom, he doesn’t know that I still write to you so I told him that I’m gonna take a bath). He promised to stay the night but he only said that he’s gonna cuddle with me so I wouldn’t feel lonely. I think that he thinks that I’m going to hurt myself… I would never do that. You wouldn’t want me to do that. You want me to move on… Or just keep living, imagining that you’re still with me.

Oh and should I watch the thing? The video? Is it meant for me or is it meant for Armin and Mikasa? I don’t think that it’s meant for Erwin, you weren’t that close even though you got along very well. Erwin really cared about you too, you know. Everyone did. Mikasa and Armin did and everyone still cares about you. We won’t forget you.

And another awful thing happened today. I was going to buy new shoes since I always just used to use your shoes, but it doesn’t feel right anymore. Anyways, I was going to go and say hi to your mom on the way to the mall but she was taking your stuff to trash. I managed to stop her though. Her eyes were still red from crying and I understood that, she had lost her only baby… Of course she was still broken. She didn’t wanna keep your stuff because she thought that it would be easier to move on if there wasn’t your stuff everywhere to remind her of you. I didn’t let her throw everything of you to trash, I took the boxes to my place. There were clothes and books and video games. There were also diaries.

I didn’t know that you had been bullied in high school. You were on your first year in college before… you know.. Did the bullies follow you? Was that the reason you left? Because they called you fag? Because they told you to leave this planet? Why didn’t you just tell me? I was here. I was always here. I kept asking how were you and how was school but you never told me about those guys. I remember seeing bruises on your body. I guess you didn’t fall down the stairs then…

I kinda feel unloved and betrayed right now. Didn’t you trust me at all? Did I do something to lose your trust? Did I say something that made you think if you loved me at all? Fuck, why is this so complicated…?

Why didn’t you talk to me?… I was always here…

 

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	9. Chapter 9

 

I went back to work today. It wasn’t very nice. Everyone kept reminding me of you. They told me how sorry they are and how amazing you were. They told me how they missed you and I seriously wanted to beat the shit out of them. They didn’t even know you. Sure, you were amazing and I love you so much… But they didn’t really know you. It annoys me that suddenly everyone thinks that you were best friends with them.

Now I have to listen to all the people at work talking about you and how they misses you. They won’t shut up about you. No one will shut up about you. Everyone talks about you. I heard that your school has some kind of club there where the students gather up on Friday evenings and everyone who is there can openly talk about what’s bothering them and how they feel. They all want to make sure that no one makes the same mistake as you did.

Suicide was your biggest mistake. I know that things were hard for you and I saw those little cuts. And now I know that in school you got hit by those mean guys. I know that you felt unlovable, I know that you felt useless. I know that you didn’t feel worth it. I know that you didn’t feel good enough. I know that you wore long sleeves because of your scars. I know that you made yourself bleed because you only wanted to feel like human, you only wanted to feel alive.

I know that you felt like you were in battle with the world. I know that you didn’t go to sleep that night. I know that you waited until I fell asleep. I can imagine how that felt. Silence was probably more quiet than usually. Bed seemed colder. I bet that you didn’t even feel your heartbeat. Or the warmth of my body. I bet that you suddenly remembered how awful your day had been, how those guys had beat you up again. How they had told you to kill yourself.

I bet that Jean had accidentally told one of your secrets to someone when he was drunk and now there were people laughing at you. I bet that your thoughts were something like “They don’t need me” and “Why am I still here?” You thought about leaving this planet. You wondered what people thought about you killing yourself, didn’t you?

You knew that there were people who were struggling with the same things as you but still… you thought that you couldn’t live anymore. You were too tired. You probably kissed me one last time, got up and went to your working room to make that video that I assume is your suicide note. Then you probably went to the bathroom and decided to use pills and blade, thinking that it was the easiest way out.

I bet that you picked up the pills and then you realized it. It was reality and it was something that was happening. I bet that you didn’t wanna stop anymore. I bet that you felt like you were going to hate yourself even more if you would have got back to bed. You probably took the pills, then shakily grabbed a blade. It was still dirty from the last time you cut but you didn’t really care. You cut your wrist deep, hoping that it would be over soon.

I bet that you cried. I bet that you thought about your mom, your dad, Mikasa, Armin and me… Maybe even Petra’s cat. I bet that when you collapsed to the floor, bleeding, you felt some kind of regret. What were your loved ones gonna think? You probably thought what I was gonna think when I find you. You probably cried harder. You knew that you were going to die and there was no going back. I bet that you thought about how you were going to be that kid who left everyone. I think that you wanted to wake me up but you still had a feeling that you want to leave everything. I bet that you didn’t think clearly after that anymore. Your thoughts were probably really confusing and I’m sure that nothing seemed alright. But then it happened. Snap, you were gone. You didn’t breath, you didn’t feel, you didn’t think.

You died and you couldn’t go back.

Now I just wish that there would have been other way to make you feel alive. I wish that I could have been able to make you feel good about yourself and I wish that I could have been able to make you happy.

I miss you so much…

 

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 

Should I come after you? Because I have pills and I can get a blade. It’s not that hard right? And I think I have gun somewhere too. It wouldn’t be a big deal, right? No one would miss me. Well, maybe Erwin but he would get over it soon. I’m not that important.

Or maybe I should just disappear. Move to other town and find a way to move on. There’s few problems though. I can’t move on and I can’t afford apartment anywhere. Maybe I could steal from someone. That wouldn’t be very big deal either. 

Everyone would just pity me as always. 

Eren, I think I’m losing my mind. I don’t think clearly anymore. I’ve been happy around Erwin lately but honestly, when I’m alone I feel like dying. I’m lost without you. You were other half of my heart and this really sucks. 

This sucks really bad. I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one wants to talk to me anymore. I’m burden here and I need to die. I don’t deserve to live. I’m nothing without you. 

I need to be something. Even if it means that I’m the man that committed suicide. At least I would be someone.

Maybe I should talk to Erwin about my thoughts. I’m already afraid of myself. 

I don’t wanna die but I don’t wanna be without you either. I’m seriously crying right now. Why is this so hard? This isn’t the first time I’m thinking about committing suicide. I think about it almost every day but I don’t wanna leave Erwin. He’s seriously a sweetheart and he takes care of me. I really like him and it feels so wrong. 

I can’t like someone else. I love you and only you. I can’t fall for someone else. That wouldn’t be right. That wouldn’t be right at all. 

Fuck. 

Erwin just came here. He promised to stay the night here. I asked him to. I’m sorry, I just need someone to hold me. I have to admit to you that I like the feeling of Erwin’s strong arms around me. His arms are comforting and I feel safe when he wraps them around me. I feel safe with Erwin and I feel like nothing can hurt me as long as he’s with me. 

I’m so sorry, Eren. I won’t forget you. 

I promise

 

With undying love,   
Levi Ackerman


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XX IMPORTANT NOTE XX  
> I'll be on a camp this weekend (13.3.-15.3.) So I won't update any of my fics!!! I'm sorry ;;

Chapter 11

 

Erwin left this morning. I don’t mean it like, sleepover and going home next morning. I mean that he left me. He moved away. He just disappeared. It’s been few days since the last time I saw him and today when I went to look for him, his neighbor told me that he had run away with some chick called Isabel. 

I can’t believe that he did this to me. Well, I obviously can’t blame him, I was the one who pretended to be alright so well that he thought that I’d be fine alone. 

Truth is, I’m not fine at all.

I called him today and he sounded so happy with that girl. He told me that they had been friends for years and they both had a dream to move to Los Angeles and today they decided to make that dream come true. Oh I wish I would have been part of his dreams but apparently I wasn’t good enough for him. Apparently his love for me wasn’t real. 

Now I’m very, very broken. I was falling for another guy but he left me too. Why does everyone hate me? Everyone always leaves. I guess I’m just not that kind of man people falls in love with. 

You probably didn’t love me. You probably hated me so fucking much that you wanted to leave me all alone. Maybe your plan was to make me fall in love with you and then break my heart because everyone wants to hurt me. 

What makes me so awful? My sassy comments? My shortness? My ugly face? My personality? My jokes?

What? 

Please tell me so I can change. I really wanna change myself. No one will ever honestly love me if I keep living like this. I shouldn’t live like this. I need to change myself.

I don’t wanna be alone anymore. 

Maybe I should follow you. At least I wouldn’t have to feel alone. Actually, I wouldn’t have to feel anything. 

I don’t wanna feel anything. I don’t wanna see or hear. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I can’t be here anymore. I wanna hurt myself. I wanna disappear too.

 

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

 

It felt nice. Now I understand why you did it. Now I understand why you used to cut yourself. It helps. It lets me know that I’m still alive. 

I wanna do it again, but I can’t right now. My arms are burning but I like pain. I like the feeling of blade running against my skin. I like it and no one can stop me now. Not you, not Erwin, not Armin. 

No one. 

Anyways, I’m still really upset about Erwin leaving me like that. He obviously doesn’t care about me at all. He only cares about that little slut. I’m not jealous, not at all. I’m just upset and angry. He left me even though he knew that I wasn’t fine at all. Fucking shit.

So today I went to church, Armin forced me to go. It was boring until they prayed that God would take good care of you. I began to think about God and would religion save me? Would it give me some kind of hope? I don’t know, but I really need something to think about. Something other than you. 

Seriously, fuck you. You’ve been the only thing on my mind… 

This sucks without you because I’m human only when I’m with you… I’m clean only when I’m with you. Nothing feels the same. I’ve probably said that before but whatever. It doesn’t matter. Only you matter and I’m going to see you someday again. I don’t know how but I will find a way. You always told me that I’m smart. I’m smart enough to know that I can find a way to see you again. 

You know what’s sad? The fact that your best friend is now my best friend because we only have each other in this merciless world. I’m basically his rock that’s keeping him safe. I’m the only thing keeping him sane. I can’t complain though. He’s pretty much the only thing keeping me sane. 

I wish that I’d still have you though…

 

With undying love,   
Levi Ackerman


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

 

Armin watched it. He watched it even though I told him not to. I told him that you wouldn’t have wanted that but he still did it. He cried a lot but I didn’t watch it with him. Watching it would have felt too… I don’t even know…

Anyways, I got different psychologist. Apparently my old moved away and now I have to talk to another stranger. 

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

I just wanna be with you and I wanna feel you. I wanna be close to you because I love you. I want to have a romance with you and I want our life to be from romantic movie. 

I need love but nobody loves me, Eren. Nobody. I’m all alone here. I miss Erwin and I miss you. I miss everyone who has left me. I feel worthless. My life is worthless. I got no reason to live and I don’t know how much longer I can actually stay alive. 

Right now I feel like fainting. I don’t remember the last time that I ate. It wasn’t today. Maybe it was yesterday. I don’t remember but to be honest, I don’t even care. 

I only care about you

 

With undying love  
Levi Ackerman


	14. Chapter 14

Eren...

What's the point anymore?


	15. Chapter 15

Why can't my life be a book? Or maybe a movie? Usually all the good ones have a good ending. I need a happy ending but how can I have it without you?   
I wish I had a second chance with you but life isn't a Nintendo game, I won't get another chance. I just wish I could make this right and we could keep going and we could hold on what we have. We could hold on our relationship and everything would be good again. I can't hold on alone. I have nothing to hold onto. I just have these empty four walls.   
I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't move backwards and I can't move forwards. I can't do anything without you. Everything is hopeless and I don't wanna be alone anymore. Even my writing doesn't make sense anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore.

With undying love,  
Levi Ackerman


	16. Chapter 16

I miss you

I miss him

I miss my old life. I miss my body without scars. I miss how we smelled like cigarettes on a rainy day. I miss how we lived easy life and I miss how free we were. I miss it. I miss my life without you. 

Oh how I wish I hadn't met you on that sunny day at the park. Oh how I wish I wouldn't have offered you water when I saw you were thirsty. Oh how I wish..

I think I'd be happy now. I'd be happy without you and I wouldn't blame myself for this. I wouldn't hate myself for this. I wouldn't miss you. I wouldn't be hated by your family. I would be me. I would be Levi and I would be successful business man. I would be great person.

I left that all for you. I quit everything so I could be with you. You made me feel free again. I felt like we were birds, without any worries or misery. We just... Were. I wanted to be free with you. 

And now I'm in a cage, alone with no sight of key to get out. All because of you.


End file.
